Meze - to be eaten with or without underwear

Ever heard of a 'panty-dropping' cake? 'come-hither' milkshare? or a 'backhandspring' sandwich (oh, thank you, my dear Gastroanthropoligist)?

'The Backhandspring sandwich' by Gastroanthropologist

These are just some dishes that have been given special names for their state 'inducing' properties: conditions of a great variety, all having something rather physical and sexual about them nevertheless.

The tiresome doctrine of food being an entry into a man's soul is given an uplift here and taken beyond the rather sexist notion of a sweet, little (and cunning) woman attempting to win a heart of a serious, strong (and aloof) man. It's about a gesture of will, a hint, an exercise of both love and power.


As you can imagine, I have my own version, or versions of foods that leave no choice... The chocolate and chestnut brownies would certainly be just that, ranging from 'cuddle me all over' to 'take me all the way'... But there are foods in my repertoire (oh, believe me, not often that I get a chance to say this about myself!) that are about, shall we say, sensual sharing; foods that have to be eaten in coupledom, leisurely reclining on a sofa; lights dimmed to the point when you have to rely on the senses of your hands more than sensibilities of your eyes.

'Assortment, sensual' by me

'Assortment, sensual' - I call this dish in an austere Soviet fashion, just to highlight its very capitalist lusciousness. I gather the word 'assortment' has not been used in Britain to indicate a selection of meats, cheeses and other tit bids, for some time now; which for me is even more of a reason to bring the word back now, in the age of austerity and deep longing for all things retro.

And so this is what my assortment had on this occasion:

Manchego cheese (La Mancha, Spain)
Free-range ham, cut thickly (British, of course)
Hummus of chickpeas and borlotti beans, home-made
Carrot salad, sliced thinly, with French dressing
Watercress
Caperberries (Spanish, of course)
Soughdour bread, a chunk

Gorged with a helping of Bordeaux, whatever year

Manchego cheese - names are important for a well put-together 'assortment'

The dish (or rather a plate) is best consumed on a dull weekday, when both parties are tired, slightly bored and in a mood that is neither inspired or inspiring. Eaten slowly (plenty of time, after all you have no strength to do much else that evening), whilst chatting about matters essentially unimportant, the plate will gradually start restoring your frightened, tired spirits and the evening will lead to one thing or another...

p.s. What is your 'named' dish? Let's have a little collection of these: from naive little pick-me-up nibbles to full-blown marry-me-now suppers!